been super sick and called into work the whole week...that's about it
i need to get better for real

I don't even know how to describe the past couple weeks.
Things are fantastic one day and then the next I'm pissed off and depressed.

We went to San Marcos last sunday and it was the best day I know I've had in a really long time. Things were going so perfectly that I could've sworn that this would be the day you would finally be able to make a real commitment to our relationship. But of course I'm being too hopeful. I don't know if you just don't like commitment in the technical sense of the word or if you just got cold feet. Either way, it frustrates me because we already act like we've been together for years but I have nothing to show for it.

And then friday I thought that it would definitely be the day but once again, I was disappointed. We ordered chinese and just sat in my apartment watching My Best Friend's Girl, smoking shisha, and basically had the perfect night. You asked me to make a wish on 11:11 and I did. I wished for you to finally take the next step and do it already. I hope that these wishes do come true and that it's just taking some time for it to come around.

I think too much about things and I know it. I'm too focused on making everyone else around me happy and won't stand up for myself when what I'm doing makes me miserable. I do everything for you and you know it. I just don't get the same in return. Relationships go both ways....and they always say that you will get back just as much as you put into a relationship. When is that going to happen? Because with all I've been putting in I might as well get a million dollars or a fucking yacht in return. You don't even pay for my meals. I don't have a problem with that but when I've paid for your food several times and not to mention do the grocery shopping at my apartment and then you come over and eat my food I hope that it would dawn on you just once to buy my meal when we go out because it is one way to show you care. I bought you those expensive shoes and a shirt just because. I care too much and I know it.

I know I have my faults: I crave attention, I get a tad clingy at times, I never fully believe you when you give me compliments. But out of all my faults they can't even begin to cover up the ones you have: you constantly talk to other girls that are "friends" but get jealous when I talk to boys...and you never get off your phone (texting at the dinner table is rude isn't it?), you drink too much and get angry when I question you about it. I don't even really want to name everything right now because it will just make me unhappy.

And finally all the stress and anxiety and depression you cause me finally caught up with me yesterday. I was completely ill for no reason, and I'm talking REALLY sick. Fever, chills, dizziness, nausea, headache, fatigue and achy muscles...you name it, I pretty much had it. I was even sent home from work because I was throwing up and doing so bad. And I know that I didn't eat anything bad and I didn't catch something, it was just plain old stress coming back to me full force and knocking my ass down. I feel much better this morning though after sleeping for 4 hours in the afternoon and then passing out to 2 benadryl and soft music for another 10 hours. I just need a good massage now to get rid of the last bits of stress I'm feeling.

I'm scared too because I know that you're one of the big sources of my stress but me being the optimist I am I always think that you can change and that this will pass but I don't want to end up waiting around like I did with Clifton and then finally say I'm through after 2 years. I don't stand up for myself and I'm too much of a chicken to say anything to your face about it.

I just need some good advice and some courage I guess

So I'm getting excited that my birthday is this weekend...21 at last.
Not that I'm excited about drinking because I do that already
I'm just happy that I can finally go more places and hang out with people at bars and stuff
And I don't have to get other people to buy me my alcohol haha

ANDDD I got a new baby!
He's an itty bitty sugar glider and his name is Toki Wartooth
I love him :]

Dear you,

I don't know what to make of things lately.
One minute I'm happy as can be and can't think of a way to change things and the next I'm sitting here wondering what I'm doing and if I should just move on once again and keep trying.
It's depressing...I'm just as confused as I was throughout the past two years but for different reasons.

I want to feel important.
I want to feel like I make a difference in your life.
I want to be told how much I mean to you and I want you to show it.
I want my needs in a relationship met too because things aren't really changing.

I almost feel used.
You come in and act like this is your home in every way and don't even acknowledge the person who really lives here.

Yes, I am happy some of the time but lately the bad outweighs the good and I'm afraid that if things don't change then I'm going to have to leave.

Take this into consideration and decide for yourself if you can really give me all I need to be happy.
It's not much really, I just need more positive attention and I need to be shown the love you claim to have for me.
Don't say those things if you don't mean them or can't provide me with all those words entail.

Love,
Stephanie

So things have been smooth sailing the past few weeks
Moved into my apartment last sunday
It's super awesome living by myself actually...nobody to share anything with or have home when I just wanna chill alone
AND I got my bed back, sleeping on my little sister's for a couple weeks sucked
I just need to buy a couch and kitchen table and I'm all set
Cable guy comes tomorrow so I'll finally be able to watch tv and have a stable internet connection since the only wifi i can jack is terrible

Hung out with Dave and Kasey for the first time in forever!
It was really good to catch up with them after all these years of not talking really
Met some new people as well who are pretty awesome I must say
And the fact that when we hung out he knew like a huge amount of people here even though he's from abilene was pretty cool

Dunno what else really
Just that things are finally going how they should and I'm happy again
And I'm working on myself a lot and I have to admit, I'm feeling so much better about myself and the person that I am still becoming

I almost feel like I'm making such a dick move but at the same time I don't care.
I'm just concerned with what makes me happy and if this is it then you can be certain that I'm going to pursue it.

I just don't know what everyone else is going to think...I'm not a bad person and I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm just looking for the happiness I know I deserve.

We're walking a fine line and we both know it
The danger is exciting

Today is moving day and I feel like I just moved in here











And was finally getting used to calling it home

Well I guess this is it...
I'm moving out of our house on sunday.
Back into my mom's living in Emily's room for a bit until we can find me a cheap apartment either by my mom's or close to work/school.

I just feel so numb to everything right now,
crying my eyes out for the past couple days has left me completely empty.
And I have almost nobody to run to. I'm just glad that Dave and I are still close enough to be able to help each other out when we need it.

Even though nobody seems to know what to say it's still a relief to have one person to talk to that just wants me happy.
It's going to be harder than I imagined but I'll just have to pick myself up and try to move on.

I'm young, gorgeous, and in college so I should try to find friends who will take my mind off this.

I know that Clifton and I will miss each other dearly and I'm glad that we're not ending on bad terms...this is just something that needs to happen because our relationship isn't moving anywhere..good or bad.
If we're meant to be together then we will find our way back to each other when the time is right and start over right, making up for all the time we skipped this time around.

2 years of my life is a long time to be with someone to just leave so suddenly, but it's for the best-I think

Happy new year!

Yesterday was spent at the Warhol watching several awesome bands play, including Sarah and Octopus (CD release!) and Sohns
Brandon and the other bar dudes served champagne at midnight and the show stopped for the countdown
Didn't get home until like after 2 but it was worth it...pretty good night if you ask me

Now to go in to work because some fat whore didn't show up yet again. Time and a half hopefully??

Hope this year is just as good/better than last year

Eh, I don't know what to do anymore.
That talk yesterday just made me realize that things aren't really progressed and haven't really progressed since months ago when everything started. I don't know where this is going or if I can even keep going because there's so many things wrong that I'm just too afraid to say out loud for fear that something bad will happen.

Talking to someone else in my position helped a lot and made me realize that they're trying to make those same decisions and have been thinking about it for even longer than I have. People listen much better when they're stuck in the same boat as you.