This is the way the world ends

Wed, 27 May 2009 20:08:05 GMT

been super sick and called into work the whole week...that's about it
i need to get better for real

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 17:11:08 GMT

I don't even know how to describe the past couple weeks.
Things are fantastic one day and then the next I'm pissed off and depressed.

We went to San Marcos last sunday and it was the best day I know I've had in a really long time. Things were going so perfectly that I could've sworn that this would be the day you would finally be able to make a real commitment to our relationship. But of course I'm being too hopeful. I don't know if you just don't like commitment in the technical sense of the word or if you just got cold feet. Either way, it frustrates me because we already act like we've been together for years but I have nothing to show for it.

And then friday I thought that it would definitely be the day but once again, I was disappointed. We ordered chinese and just sat in my apartment watching My Best Friend's Girl, smoking shisha, and basically had the perfect night. You asked me to make a wish on 11:11 and I did. I wished for you to finally take the next step and do it already. I hope that these wishes do come true and that it's just taking some time for it to come around.

I think too much about things and I know it. I'm too focused on making everyone else around me happy and won't stand up for myself when what I'm doing makes me miserable. I do everything for you and you know it. I just don't get the same in return. Relationships go both ways....and they always say that you will get back just as much as you put into a relationship. When is that going to happen? Because with all I've been putting in I might as well get a million dollars or a fucking yacht in return. You don't even pay for my meals. I don't have a problem with that but when I've paid for your food several times and not to mention do the grocery shopping at my apartment and then you come over and eat my food I hope that it would dawn on you just once to buy my meal when we go out because it is one way to show you care. I bought you those expensive shoes and a shirt just because. I care too much and I know it.

I know I have my faults: I crave attention, I get a tad clingy at times, I never fully believe you when you give me compliments. But out of all my faults they can't even begin to cover up the ones you have: you constantly talk to other girls that are "friends" but get jealous when I talk to boys...and you never get off your phone (texting at the dinner table is rude isn't it?), you drink too much and get angry when I question you about it. I don't even really want to name everything right now because it will just make me unhappy.

And finally all the stress and anxiety and depression you cause me finally caught up with me yesterday. I was completely ill for no reason, and I'm talking REALLY sick. Fever, chills, dizziness, nausea, headache, fatigue and achy muscles...you name it, I pretty much had it. I was even sent home from work because I was throwing up and doing so bad. And I know that I didn't eat anything bad and I didn't catch something, it was just plain old stress coming back to me full force and knocking my ass down. I feel much better this morning though after sleeping for 4 hours in the afternoon and then passing out to 2 benadryl and soft music for another 10 hours. I just need a good massage now to get rid of the last bits of stress I'm feeling.

I'm scared too because I know that you're one of the big sources of my stress but me being the optimist I am I always think that you can change and that this will pass but I don't want to end up waiting around like I did with Clifton and then finally say I'm through after 2 years. I don't stand up for myself and I'm too much of a chicken to say anything to your face about it.

I just need some good advice and some courage I guess

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 03:20:17 GMT

So I'm getting excited that my birthday is this weekend...21 at last.
Not that I'm excited about drinking because I do that already
I'm just happy that I can finally go more places and hang out with people at bars and stuff
And I don't have to get other people to buy me my alcohol haha

ANDDD I got a new baby!
He's an itty bitty sugar glider and his name is Toki Wartooth
I love him :]

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 16:11:55 GMT

Dear you,

I don't know what to make of things lately.
One minute I'm happy as can be and can't think of a way to change things and the next I'm sitting here wondering what I'm doing and if I should just move on once again and keep trying.
It's depressing...I'm just as confused as I was throughout the past two years but for different reasons.

I want to feel important.
I want to feel like I make a difference in your life.
I want to be told how much I mean to you and I want you to show it.
I want my needs in a relationship met too because things aren't really changing.

I almost feel used.
You come in and act like this is your home in every way and don't even acknowledge the person who really lives here.

Yes, I am happy some of the time but lately the bad outweighs the good and I'm afraid that if things don't change then I'm going to have to leave.

Take this into consideration and decide for yourself if you can really give me all I need to be happy.
It's not much really, I just need more positive attention and I need to be shown the love you claim to have for me.
Don't say those things if you don't mean them or can't provide me with all those words entail.

Love,
Stephanie

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 03:27:10 GMT

So things have been smooth sailing the past few weeks
Moved into my apartment last sunday
It's super awesome living by myself actually...nobody to share anything with or have home when I just wanna chill alone
AND I got my bed back, sleeping on my little sister's for a couple weeks sucked
I just need to buy a couch and kitchen table and I'm all set
Cable guy comes tomorrow so I'll finally be able to watch tv and have a stable internet connection since the only wifi i can jack is terrible

Hung out with Dave and Kasey for the first time in forever!
It was really good to catch up with them after all these years of not talking really
Met some new people as well who are pretty awesome I must say
And the fact that when we hung out he knew like a huge amount of people here even though he's from abilene was pretty cool

Dunno what else really
Just that things are finally going how they should and I'm happy again
And I'm working on myself a lot and I have to admit, I'm feeling so much better about myself and the person that I am still becoming

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:23:15 GMT

I almost feel like I'm making such a dick move but at the same time I don't care.
I'm just concerned with what makes me happy and if this is it then you can be certain that I'm going to pursue it.

I just don't know what everyone else is going to think...I'm not a bad person and I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm just looking for the happiness I know I deserve.

We're walking a fine line and we both know it
The danger is exciting

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 14:41:29 GMT

Today is moving day and I feel like I just moved in here

And was finally getting used to calling it home

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:26:21 GMT

Well I guess this is it...
I'm moving out of our house on sunday.
Back into my mom's living in Emily's room for a bit until we can find me a cheap apartment either by my mom's or close to work/school.

I just feel so numb to everything right now,
crying my eyes out for the past couple days has left me completely empty.
And I have almost nobody to run to. I'm just glad that Dave and I are still close enough to be able to help each other out when we need it.

Even though nobody seems to know what to say it's still a relief to have one person to talk to that just wants me happy.
It's going to be harder than I imagined but I'll just have to pick myself up and try to move on.

I'm young, gorgeous, and in college so I should try to find friends who will take my mind off this.

I know that Clifton and I will miss each other dearly and I'm glad that we're not ending on bad terms...this is just something that needs to happen because our relationship isn't moving anywhere..good or bad.
If we're meant to be together then we will find our way back to each other when the time is right and start over right, making up for all the time we skipped this time around.

2 years of my life is a long time to be with someone to just leave so suddenly, but it's for the best-I think

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 18:15:20 GMT

Happy new year!

Yesterday was spent at the Warhol watching several awesome bands play, including Sarah and Octopus (CD release!) and Sohns
Brandon and the other bar dudes served champagne at midnight and the show stopped for the countdown
Didn't get home until like after 2 but it was worth it...pretty good night if you ask me

Now to go in to work because some fat whore didn't show up yet again. Time and a half hopefully??

Hope this year is just as good/better than last year

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 13:04:06 GMT

Eh, I don't know what to do anymore.
That talk yesterday just made me realize that things aren't really progressed and haven't really progressed since months ago when everything started. I don't know where this is going or if I can even keep going because there's so many things wrong that I'm just too afraid to say out loud for fear that something bad will happen.

Talking to someone else in my position helped a lot and made me realize that they're trying to make those same decisions and have been thinking about it for even longer than I have. People listen much better when they're stuck in the same boat as you.

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 10:53:51 GMT

I took my plugs out so my ears can shrink back to normal.

I've had them for 5 years now so I'm still in shock that I did it....
but I bought a really nice pair of chanel earrings.

Time to grow up a bit I guess?

Fri, 16 May 2008 14:35:45 GMT

Clifton and I closed on the house yesterday!!!
We were handed the keys and a small gift basket with paper towels, toilet paper, screwdriver and hammer, and some snacks inside.

Now we just have to finish moving everything and buy our water, electricity, and cable...its no fun watching static on your tv.

And we spent our first night in the new house as well. It was nice :]

Now today my mom and I are going to buy a new bed so we can use the new bedding set I bought for like $300

Fun stuff!

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:13:23 GMT

Clifton and I bought a baby bird yesterday! He is a green-cheeked conure without a name for now and he is only 4 months old :] And since he is still being weaned we get to feed him with a syringe like a mommy hehe...I feel like such a proud momma right now since he is starting to eat real food and whenever he figures out how to work something in his cage by himself. And he makes the most adorable little noise, "meep."

Be pepared for pictures soon :]

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:02:52 GMT

Well...I'm sick and I sound like a man :/
This makes work very interesting since I'm paid to talk on the phone haha...and using the overhead pager. I confused some of the guys last night because they didn't recognize my voice since it got so low.

Last night was really good though.
I got out of work and drove to Clifton's house where he set a box in my lap and said "I got you something..kind of a late birthday present but I also just thought you would like it". So I open the box and he bought me a nintendo ds hahaha!! I feel like such a little kid again! I had actually wanted one though so I could have something to keep me entertained while up at work since it gets super slow after about 7pm every night. Then we went to melting pot for some cheese and chocolate as a late night snack which was absolutely delicious! And then back to his house to spend the night since I didn't have school this morning :]

And I got to see Jack up at walgreens because I was badly in need of cold medicine

Yeah so let's just hope that I can talk at work today and don't sound too manly. I think I would feel bad if I got called "sir" over the phone

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 12:15:23 GMT

So I decided that I'm pretty fucking pissed off at school. I had applied to the radiology program up at st philips in the middle of february and I got the letter from them in the mail on saturday saying I didn't make it and their "reasons" why. Apparently you can't be taking the prerequisites for their program during the spring semester in which you apply for the program that starts in fall? So basically they're asking everyone to be done with everything needed to take before the actual classes in the fall semester and just take spring classes that you don't really need and waste money on more shit. It never even said in the application that you needed to be finished with the prerequisites and that if you're taking them the applying semester that they don't count...complete bullshit.

They also said I should have been CPR certified...no big deal if they had told me I would be rejected from the program without it before I applied. So now I basically have to take a waste of classes for the next two semesters of things I don't even need and then reapply next year. Maybe I should just get a different major that I can start in fall, this was already my plan B that got fucked up so I guess it's now time to find plan C? :[ This sucks

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 11:30:56 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! :D

One more year until I'm 21 though, shit.

Off to work for now (8-8 today) and then out somewhere for partying :]

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 15:33:16 GMT

Heh, I just re-read my last entry to see what was going on with me and man was I wrong. This is the easiest fucking job in the world. It's just basically "drag and drop" on the computer and talking to people at work. So basically I get paid to answer phones and meet/talk to people. AND I saw one of the other receptionist's paychecks because she left it there and asked me to put it somewhere for her and I make more than she does...I guess I'm just good or something since everyone up there tells me I'm too smart for this job.

In other news, the house is getting even closer to being finished! They did all the sheet rock on sunday so pretty much all that's left is texture on the walls, putting in the floors, installing cabinets and sinks and stove and stuff, and finish connecting all the electrical/water/air things. And that's pretty much it. Apparently it's 30 days to closing once they install the cabinets so that's what I'm waiting for but also dreading. There's still a lot left to buy like a fridge, washer/dryer, tv, and table so I don't have to eat on the floor. We bought a couch a couple weeks ago and it wiped out my bank account...not all the way but wayyy more than I had intended since I also spent $100 on decorations the same day. I just can't wait for a raise.

Also clifton just ordered himself a prius! It should be here april 5. He's trying to get me into one as well but I just don't have that much money to be paying for a new vehicle as well as a house payment. They're adorable though and I got to test drive one so I'm torn :[

Good News

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 12:56:47 GMT

I am now working at Red McCombs Toyota! It's only as a receptionist but I've come to find that it's actually a demanding job if you think about it...I just need to learn all the salesmen and managers and who works with what and then I'll do ok, and the phone system is pretty fun :] The good part is that I'm getting paid more than my last job starting and then will be getting a raise in a couple months. And since I'll be working 42 hours a week I'm able to get benefits and all that good stuff through Toyota...which is excellent because I don't exactly have insurance through my mom right now...long story but basically it boils down to if the insurance company finds out then I'm screwed and dropped. Just one more step towards getting my house and then being able to afford it!

That's about it for now, hope everyone else is doing well :]

From Jack

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 16:57:40 GMT

What Stephanie Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people.
Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems.
Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Since I had nothing else better to do haha, it's pretty long though
I'm still somewhat almost jobless :[ just waiting around for the dealership to call me back...apparently the manager is trying to fire one of the people already there so he doesn't have a spot for me yet? I just need a job soon because I'm pretty much not at prometric right now and I need money or else I can't pay for my house

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 12:53:10 GMT

Clif and I put a deposit on our house!
Expect it to be finished building end of may/beginning of june
Very exciting :]

New Things

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 05:02:43 GMT

I've decided that it's time for me to probably get a new job.
I definately am going to have a need for more money in the near future if I'm going to have any hopes of having an apartment and stuff...8 bucks an hour isn't going to cut it now.
I made myself a budget tonight that I really need to stick to.

So I'm thinking about applying at an AT&T store to start in january. I'd be making pretty decent money while still being able to go to school so that's good. If that doesn't work out the way I'd like it's probably gonna be time to find a good secretary job or something for me.

I need to just win a contest or something...or people should just give me money so I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm going to be able to pay a monthly rent and still manage to put gas in my car to drive all the way to St. Philip's. That would be very nice :]

Other than that things are going surprisingly well, I haven't dropped any classes this semester and comparing that to me dropping like all my classes except for about 3 for both my semesters at UTSA combined I'd say that's really good.

I kinda realized that I've started to pull away from all my old friends, we're just moving in different directions I guess...I really need to stop being so shy and just talk to everyone in my classes so I can make friends with people that are going to be in my radiology classes for the next 2 years.

And I'm going to take digital art next semester! Basically I'm assuming that it's going to be all about photoshop or something similar to it, at least that's what the description alludes to :]
Gives me something good to look forward to at school.

Today

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:36:03 GMT

Ok so I know that most people don't read this anymore but I would just like everyone to know that Clifton's surgery was today...if you don't know what I'm talking about he has an acoustic neuroma (aka brain tumor) that they are removing today in a 6 hour long surgery. He will be completely deaf out of one ear.

I'm just asking everyone to keep him in their thoughts and/or prayers if you pray. I haven't seen him yet since he's not done until 1:30ish and I don't know how he's doing but I'll update and stuff.

He's going to be ok, I hope

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 06:46:50 GMT

Ok well this isn't too much of an update word-wise but news-wise it is...3 words:
I AM ENGAGED!!!!

Yeah Clifton took me out to Melting Pot and surprised me with all our friends there and did the deed :] I don't care if any of you disapprove because I'm not planning on going to the next step for a few years but I'm just glad that this part of my life has happened

That's it :]

Surgery

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 06:19:33 GMT

Well I had my foot surgery friday. It went ok I guess. Though I can't really feel much at all...I've been stuck on the couch for 2 days and the one thing I'm definately looking forward to is finally being able to take a shower tomorrow! It's a pretty grodd feeling when you're just sitting around knowing you probably smell just a little from being through surgery and sitting around trying not to collect crumbs on you as you eat and lay on the pull out couch for the next 2 weeks.
Apparently my surgery went really well because the doctor showed my mom the before and after xrays and they're straighter and everything now...but that all depends on how well I keep weight off my foot. The doctor told me that if I put the slightest amount of weight on my foot that the bones he cut will just snap in half especially since it's right on the part of my foot that receives the most amount of pressure and weight when I step. And I get to go to the beach with a cast on...funnn.

Emily stood in like twice last night at Wal-Mart to buy each of us a copy of Harry Potter :] That was really nice of her. And she brought me back one of the jelly wristbands they used to send people to the registers in groups with so it's kinda like I was there the whole time and not sitting on my ass.

The one good thing that seems to be coming out of this is the fact that I'm gonna have killer abs soon...getting myself up off the couch and stuff by just using my abs is making them super sore so I guess I'm getting a mini workout every time I get up to pee or whatever. And I'm going to have one massive calf because that's the one I have to use to get around with haha.

So if anyone wants to visit me durig the day since I won't exactly be doing much just give me a call or something...I'd rather not have anyone until like monday or something because I'll have been able to shower and go to my post-op with the doctor so I'll have been checked out and given the "you're ok"...and I'll probably be a little more coherent seeing as how I've been taking super Ibuprofen along with vicodin nonstop throughout the day.

Hope everyone is doing better than I am :]

fuckkk

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 04:37:46 GMT

New tattoo! I got it friday at Dandyland with Miles :]
You like?

here's r2 about halfway through

and here he is finished!!

Now for bed, I got called in to work tomorrow morning since someone's sick